The School Year, But Explained with Food

Written and performed by Kevin C

7th Grade

BHMS Speech Showcase

Spring 2020

Hi. I’m Kevin, and let me just say...it's been quite a year here at Big Hollow. The school year can be weird and stressful at some points. But I can explain it all with food.

Imagine you as a student are like different meats--sorry vegans--and the first weeks are like being in the fridge. In the fridge there is not a lot of responsibility. It’s nice and chill.

The first weeks of school are the same way--not a lot of stuff to do and still pretty chill. But a few weeks later you might have a project or two and a couple of missing assignments. This phase in the school year is like being on the cutting board where you are being prepared for worse things and everything starts to stack up.

Now, the rest of the school year is the “OMG! I have like 10 tests to retake and another coming up and 30 missing assignments plus a ton of projects!” This phase of the school year can be one of three different things: the microwave, the stovetop, or the oven.

The microwave is a very short burst of intensity. This is like when a teacher all of a sudden is drowning you in work and tests, but when it’s over it all dials back down. This is pretty rare so don’t be expecting this to happen that much.

On the other end of the spectrum is the oven. The oven is a low burn but it lasts forever. This might not seem that bad but it slowly creeps up on you until you find yourself burnt to a crisp.

As for the stovetop, it’s kind of the middle ground. It gives you a constant amount of heat, but it’s never too much to overwhelm you.

After all of that comes the plate. The plate is symbolic of the final days of school. The teacher isn’t giving any more work because she’s exhausted and ready to forget your name. On the plate, you are cooling off with nothing to do but sit there.

Now, you might still have some questions. Kevin, what about the teachers? Kevin, what about summer va--SUMMER VACATION IS NOT PART OF THE SCHOOL YEAR ARE YOU (slam table).

Drama. School is filled with it. Drama is impossible to explain because it’s too random. You might be saying, “The school year is random though.” But drama is a whole new level because there are infinite possibilities of what drama can be. The closest way to explain it would be like cooking a chicken. There are so many spices, combinations, and recipes that the possibilities are endless.

Students are like different kinds of meat. The “class clowns” or the people who don’t do their work are like the turkeys on Thanksgiving. They gobble up class time and make fools of themselves until they get their heads chopped off and get served up as examples for others to feast on.

The “teacher’s pets” and the people that get their work done are like...um...venison, which is deer meat. Because who wants to eats Bambi? No one. That meat would stay in the fridge for longer, just chilling out.

Teachers are obviously the chefs in this whole analogy. But there are two types of chefs. The mean teachers are the ones who buy their food at the last minute, slam it in the microwave and don’t even let the stuff cool down before throwing it back in for more. They are constantly nuking you with homework, tests, projects, and it never stops.

The nice teachers are the ones who buy their food in advance. They leave their things in the fridge to let them chill and take their ingredients out in small amounts. They prepare a nice meal and lay it all out for kids to enjoy and they let you digest what you ate before throwing more at you.

Well, that’s the school year explained with food. If you have questions, do not bother going to the cafeteria. We all know the things being served in there don't qualify as food.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to grab a snack...